“I can’t adopt a puppy right now, doesn’t matter how much I want it. How can I adopt a puppy? I don’t even have a job…”
“You don’t need a job to adopt a puppy, all they need is love. Many people have children without having enough money to feed the children.”
“Yes, it’s not right for me. I don’t want to do that to anybody.”
“So you will let the puppy suffer on the road instead of caring for them with all you have?”
“I don’t want to be like my parents. I know how it feels like to be taken care by the wrong hands, incompetent hands. I am not ready, I don’t want to do the same to anybody. Not even to a puppy.”
“Oh dear.. love is enough. Bring it home with you. You are capable of caring and loving. That’s enough for a puppy.”
“No, I am not ready. Not at the level that I should be. I can’t afford a puppy now.”
I walked away, leaving that cute little puppy behind. I am crying. I didn’t know adopting a puppy could bring this much heavy feeling. It feels raw and the responsibility is real.
It’s another living being I am going to bring into my life… Its well-being will be my responsibility. I can’t take that kind of responsibility yet. It seems easy to everybody else, same as having children. But not easy for me.
I know I wouldn’t have to send it to school. I know I wouldn’t have to worry much about its mental growth and psychological health as much as if it’s a child. But I do think it’s not okay to take that kind of responsibility before I am ready.
Look at me, I am the product of my parents’ bad decisions.
My dad and mum married young. He was 23 years old, she was 20 years old. None of them knows how to raise a child. None of them knows how to handle themselves, nor know how to be a man and a woman. They were just married like everybody else around them and had me as their first born. Living the cycle expected of them by the society.
I saw how dad confused being a father and being a man. Beaten up my mum before my eyes when he’s angry. Went out and got home drunk after a fight with mum. Mum poured out her frustration on me, beaten me up for the mistakes I didn’t understand. Dad did it too when mum wasn’t around to be beaten up.
It was 29 years ago since they finally broken up, got divorced, I was there at the court, I was 5 years old, sitting next to my mum. She brought me to the court session a few times. I suppose it’s because she needs someone to talk to on the way there, my presence eases her anxiety.
I still vividly remember what happened a few days before the first time she took me to the civil office. She ran away from the house, running away from my dad, he tried to beat her up. I screamed crying asking him to not hurt her. Dad ran after her. I never saw him again since.
Until I was in my second grade at school, I saw dad at the school gate. Picking me up. I missed him so much, I ran to him and he held my hand. He drove me home. He asked how I was and what I learned at school, whether I made a good grade. I wasn’t a brilliant kid, but I always made it to the top five in my class. He seemed to be proud of me.
Anyway… In short, I don’t want to be like my parents simply because I know the pain of being taken care of by incapable hands. I don’t want the puppy to feel what I felt. I know I am humanising a puppy. Puppy won’t carry the trauma I have. But… I can’t just jump into a puppy owner bandwagon without being well prepared.
Oh shit… Am I thinking too much?
I drive back and bring the puppy home and see what happens.